It’s now been over a month since that infamous night at SAE, and only just now are we starting to get some clarity. And not in a good way.

Jeremiah Masoli and Garrett Embry have officially been charged with second degree burglary (a felony in Oregon) and are due to appear in court later today. Also, rumors have been swirling that Masoli’s locker has already been cleaned out – although later refuted by Canzano, saying Chip Kelly told him personally.

The Eugene Police Department and the athletic department did such a good job keeping things under raps in the past few weeks that I figured when Embry was booted off the team (apparently, for the second time) a couple weeks ago that that would be the end of it. There was no hard evidence that Masoli had stolen anything, while Embry at least admitted to having possession of the projector (although the thought of a frat kid chasing down a D1 wide receiving is still baffling).

In fact, the EPD even went so far as to say Masoli wasn’t even a suspect in the case. A little weird, but I went along with it.

Now today, we learned that police found the quarterback’s fingerprints on the “stolen property”.

This is what I found shocking.

When did they find this out? I can’t believe it was just this week. I would assume, the longer you wait, the harder it is to find fingerprints. Maybe they were waiting to disclose this until Masoli was officially charged, but then why would they be so adamant in saying he wasn’t even a suspect?

Factor in his previous legal troubles and the rumor that he might have lied to Chip Kelly about the incident, and things could get real ugly, real fast.

This whole case has been very weird. And has paid an emotional toll on Duck fans.

Oregon has been the butt of numerous jokes and criticisms all over the interwebs, including sites such as Deadspin, SportsbyBrooks (gag) and The Big Lead.

That said, commenter #21 (not an Oregon fan) from The Big Lead nailed the grieving process we’re going through perfectly.

wildcat1144 Says:

March 11th, 2010 at 3:19 pm

It’s been fascinating to listen to duck fans call into the Portland based sports shows. It’s like they’ve been going through the 5 stages of grief and loss over the past few months.

Denial – Whoa, like these guys were even involved. It’s just a rumor. The Oregonian and radio shows are just blowing this up. No big deal.

Anger – It’s the Frat’s fault for not letting Masoli in the party and for reporting it, she probably was attacking James and he was just defending himself, it’s Canzano’s fault because he hates the University of Oregon.

Bargaining – Hey if “we” want to win a Rose Bowl and play for a championship then we have to be willing to have guys with questionable character on the team. Hey these are just college kids and all college kids do stuff like this.

Depression – What happened to our Pac 10 championship team? Chip can’t watch all 90 guys on the team. This may hurt us in 2010 but we’ll still beat Oregon State.

Acceptance – Masoli was 1-dimensional anyways…Darron Thomas is going to be a star so we might as well play him now. James wouldn’t have broke out with Blunt getting suspended so I’m sure we’ll have another running back to replace James.

Obviously, his “Acceptance” paragraph is sarcasm, but unfortunately spot on. I too, have noticed that Oregon fans have been saying “oh, Darron Thomas is better than Masoli anyway”. Talk about talking yourself into something. That’s just flat out not true.

With Masoli and James, Oregon is a top 5 team (Vegas at one point gave Oregon the best odds at winning the 2011 title) and anything less than a Rose Bowl win would be a disappointment.

Masoli is a bona fide Heisman contender this season. Darron Thomas is merely the sexy backup who came in for him in the Boise State game and almost led the Ducks to a fantastic comeback (and also this awesome play), but still, big difference.

While clearly talented, Thomas doesn’t come close to replacing Masoli’s stone cold demeanor, confidence, leadership, experience, and feel for Chip’s complex offense. I don’t know how many guys treat a 4th and 5 the same way they treat a 1st and 10, but Masoli’s one of them (evidence, evidence, and more evidence).

Sure, Oregon returns 19 starters, but that’s meaningless without its star quarterback. Masoli makes this offense go.

If Masoli is found guilty, then of course he needs to pay the consequences, but for the love of Juju, I’m praying Masoli will be barking signals come September.

Hours of potentially lost sleep, rising blood pressures, and psychiatrists bills for thousands of Oregon fans are at stake.

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Everyone knows Jay Cutler is a douche bag. Everyone knows that Mike Dunleavy is a terrible coach. Everyone knows Al Davis is off his rocker. And everyone knows that if JaMarcus Russell spent half as much time practicing football as he did eating, he might actually be a good quarterback.

We always joke about athletes and what they are thinking, but now we know, thanks to some very creative and snarky tweople who have started fake athlete Twitter accounts.

Did you wonder what Jay Cutler was really thinking about after his five-interception meltdown against the 49ers last Thursday? Or what Mike Dunleavy is thinking during a typical (patent pending) fourth quarter meltdown? Or what JaMarcus Russell orders at the drive-thru at McDonald’s?

If so, it’s time for you to jump on the Twitter bandwagon and start following these not-so respected sports figures.

Now, without further ado, I give you the top five best fake athlete Twitter accounts.

"I'm a bulletproof tiger. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck."

5) Kenny Powers – @KFUCKINGP

Ok, this isn’t a fake account, but it’s a real account of a fake person. Fair enough?

The star of HBO’s recent hit comedy, Eastbound & Down, takes his persona from the small screen to Twitterland. The self-proclaimed bulletproof tiger has a crude yet hilarious sense of humor for those of you who can take a dirt joke; and so far, there are almost 59,000 people who can.

Here are some of his best tweets:

“Growing up, I’d always tell my brother Dustin to stand further back from the urinal so people think your dick’s bigger.”

“The best advice I got my rookie year was to always live by the “Three P’s.” •Peyote •Pussy •Percocet”

4) Mike Dunleavy – @notmikedunleavy

I’ll step aside and let Bill Simmons take this one:

“Forget that he’s a mediocre coach and an even worse GM, that Clippers fans openly grumble about him during games, that he dresses like a movie usher, that he clearly has nude photos of somebody important and that can be the only explanation for all of this.”

This guy is a coach and a GM? Seriously?

“Again, forget all these things. Just come back with me to two Mondays ago. The Clippers are tied with a depleted Spurs team. Less than 29 seconds remain on the clock. I’m talking to the disgruntled father-son combo behind me (Lenny and Jessie) and make the mistake of saying that the Clips might pull this one out.”

“They come out of the huddle. The first sign of trouble: Three-point specialist and 12th man Steve Novak has entered the game for the Clippers. Why? I have no idea. This is a Dunleavy speciality — throw the coldest bench guy in the game in the biggest possible spot. With the Spurs still trickling onto the court after the timeout, we watch in horror as Novak is STRETCHING to get himself loose. He’s stretching! He looks like a 45-year-old guy who just got called into a Thankgiving touch football game. That’s followed by a 20-second timeout, which gives Novak time to perform an impromptu pilates session at the top of the key. At this point, I would have bet my life on a Novak airball to end the game.”

“My point is this: Somehow, someway, in one of the most inexplicable turn of events that’s ever happened in this league, Mike Dunleavy is the only person currently coaching an NBA team and handling personnel decisions at the same time. Mike Dunleavy! How does this happen? My head hurts.”

And that is why Bill Simmons sponsors Mike Dunleavy on Basketball-Reference.com.

Here are his best fake tweets:

“This Stephen Jackson trade alters the entire balance of power among teams that will win less than 30 games.”

“I told the team last night to play 48 good minutes. Unfortunately, pregame warm-ups were 30 of those minutes.”

3) JaMarcus Russell – @FakeFatJamarcus

I don't remember seeing JaMarcus in the last scene of Four Brothers, but after seeing this picture, I could swear he was there.

Here are the most regretted words from 2007: “The Oakland Raiders, with the first overall selection, take JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU.”

Who would have guessed that being able to throw a football through the goal post from midfield on your knees wouldn’t have guaranteed Russell a permanent spot on the All-Pro team?

To quote Mike Tanier of Football Outsiders after the draft in 2007:

“Russell joins a long list of young quarterbacks who developed into superstars with the Raiders. There’s Andrew Walt … uh, no, but there’s Todd Marino … um, Marques Tui … er, Marc Wil … eh, Billy Joe … wait … Ken Stabler, 35 years ago! On the bright side, though, at least Russell will get to work with a real offensive coordinator (Greg Knapp), not that Basil Fawlty guy they had last year.”

To sum up, here is the “bio” of @FakeFatJamarcus: “I like food, Madden 10, jewelry, chillin’, da club, and football. In that order.”

‘Nuff said.

Here are some of his greatest tweets (oh, and he likes to use the third person):

“JaMarcus can throw a football 60 yards from my knees. The only thing Gradkowski does well from his knees doesn’t involve a football.”

“You know what else JaMarcus can throw 80 yards? A cheeseburger. But then I’d be wasting a perfectly good cheeseburger.”

2) Al Davis – @VeryFakeAlDavis

The man who made the fake JaMarcus account possible.

Al Davis is a perpetual nightmare for Oakland Raider fans. His stubbornness, obsession with having complete control, and infatuation with players who fare well at the NFL Combine, have turned a once-proud franchise into the laughingstock of the NFL.

This is probably the most horrifying picture on Planet Earth. I feel violated just looking at it. Imagine being a Raiders fan.

And if that weren’t enough, he ruined the Oakland Coliseum for my beloved

A’s by adding the atrocity that is Mount Davis.

Here is a fantastic (yet painful) story about Al Davis from the San Jose Mercury’s Tim Kawakami:

“Do you know the Deng Xiaoping story? That’s the infamous one, I guess. It was at the press conference announcing the hiring of Kiffin. Afterwards I was talking to Al, and remarked that I thought it was a strange hire, given that Kiffin was so young and had no head coaching experience. Al didn’t like that, and said: ‘I’ll bet you don’t even know who Deng Xiaoping was.’ I was like, what? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Al pressed it. ‘Who is Deng Xiaoping?’ So I thought for a minute, and said, ‘Well, if I’m not mistaken, wasn’t he the General Secretary of the Chinese government during the Tiananmen Square massacre?’ And Al repiles, ‘But what can you tell me about him other than that? See? You don’t even know anything about your own culture.’ I said, ‘Al, I’m Japanese-American, not Chinese.’ And Al said, ‘Ohh, geez. I bet you’re going to kill me on that now.’ It all happened in front of about 20 reporters, so I didn’t have to.“

Here are my favorite fake Al Davis tweets:

“Sherm Lewis was my favorite bingo caller at Tom Walsh’s B&B.”

“Nobody finishes off a penalized play like DHB”

“45 min from wheels down in KC. JaMarcus has been staring down a photo of the hotel buffet and patting an imaginary football for hours.”

“Michael Bush’s success is a revelation. From now on, we’re snapping the tibias of all incoming rookies”

1) Jay Cutler – @NotJayCutler

Serves him right.

Jay Cutler has quickly become the NFL’s favorite whipping boy. The spoiled, rich, prep school quarterback, who emits an “I am the shit” persona with a taste of douche-baggery thrown in, has quickly learned how to use Twitter.

And it couldn’t be more spot on.

The Cutler imposter perfectly captures the essence of the Bears’ whiny, alcoholic quarterback.

Comparing himself to Brett Favre last year didn’t really help his cause, claiming he has a stronger arm than the Vikings’ quarterback, “Yeah, I think so,” Cutler told the Denver media, laughing. “He’s 39, soon to be 40. I think he may have given me a run back in his 20s, but I think I got him now.”

To quote Gourmet Spud of Deadspin, Cutler’s sole motivation to improve as a quarterback is to be able to publicly declare, “Sure, Mother Theresa helped a lot of people, but last time I checked, she never once threw for 4,000 yards.”

Here are my favorite fake Cutler tweets:

“I knew I was a good fit with the Bears ’cause I nick-named my penis the “Monster of the Midway” as well.”

“There’s nothing more disrespectful than a chick that won’t give road head when you drive her home.”

“For my money, nothing shaves my arms like a Schick Quattro.”

“I hope Lovie Smith keeps his job. Having a black coach gives me street cred.”

“It doesn’t matter if I win on the field. My New York Giants are undefeated in my Madden ’10 season.”

“Matt Forte said he wants the ball more. Someone’s getting teabagged tonight.”

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